Change means the loss of the familiar and the ability to fully embrace vulnerability. It is the capability of being able to venture into the unknown, even though it brings emotional exposure. Without it, we stay in places, relationships, or situations only because we are afraid of the uncomfortable and haunted by the gremlins of shame.
This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I went through a period of depression. There were days where no matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to get out of bed. The extroverted and fun personality that people including myself knew me as felt trapped and had vanished. It felt like I was drowning and there was no way out.
After numerous late-night talks, I knew I needed to make a change and transfer colleges. In March of 2022, I applied to transfer to the University of Texas in Austin. I decided that whether or not I got into UT, I would make the move. I signed a lease and put all of my hope into getting in. In June of 2022, however, I received an email disclosing that I was denied from the University of Texas. I had chosen to be vulnerable and embrace my worthiness, that core belief that we are enough, yet was denied.
I was absolutely devastated and felt defeated. I was forced to come to terms with a new plan and path. But, rather than letting shame capture me, I decided to continue to live within my own story. I believed in myself and my strengths, the unique contributions that only I can make, and continued to move forward.
After coming from Texas A&M, I enrolled in classes at Austin Community College for the Fall 2022 semester. I lived in Austin with five random roommates, while taking classes at ACC. Rather than evaluating my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people surrounding me, I did what was best for me. I stuck to who I am instead of denying my imperfections and hustling for other people’s approval.
Now, a few days ago, I received an acceptance into the University of Texas Austin and am now officially a longhorn. Although my path has been longer than it has for some, my willingness to own and engage with my vulnerability has gotten me to the place that I am now.
I encourage you to continue to believe in yourself, even when you don’t know the outcome. You may be imperfect and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the fact that you are also brave and worthy of love and belonging. Continue to believe in yourself, because if you do everything else will come into place.
Luv, Liv