Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. However, we are all so afraid to talk about it.
Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable– it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy. Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. It hides and lurks in categories such as appearance and body image, family, parenting, money and work, health, addiction, sex, aging, and religion .
This last weekend, I experienced a moment of shame. I felt hurt and used, leading to me feeling unworthy. Rather than being clear in my “I am enough knowledge” I let shame defeat me. Rather than leading through my heart, I led through hurt. I moved away from shame by trying to gain power( by using shame to fight shame.) This is definitely something I am not proud of. However, in order to build resilience to shame, I like to reflect on some questions.
Figuring out the answers to these can change your life:
- Who do you become when you’re backed into that shame corner?
- How do you protect yourself?
- Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-n-hides or the people pleasing?
- What’s the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?
We don’t need love and belonging and story-telling from everyone in our lives, but we do need someone. If we’re working toward relationships based in love, belonging, and story, we have to start at the same place: I am worthy. I encourage you to build this shame resilience with me and reflect on how we react to situations. Defeating shame is a journey, so let’s do it together.
Luv, Liv