New change is scary and vulnerable. Last year, it felt as if everything in my life was going wrong. It felt as if I had lost my personality and the drive to do anything except lay in bed. I was in this deep dark hole with no way out and no hope that it would get better. I was numb and was simply existing. I knew I needed to make a change; I just didn’t know where to start. After a few breakdowns, forcing myself to get out of bed, and some deep talks with friends, family, and my therapist; I found the perseverance to make a change. College Station was not the place for me, and I needed to transfer.
Making a vulnerable decision, I decided to move to Austin even if I did not receive an acceptance into the University of Texas Austin. I needed to find hope again and I couldn’t let shame or not knowing the outcome get in my way.
Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing when we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or foolproof before making a change, we sacrifice opportunities and relationships that may not be recoverable, we waste precious time, and we turn away from our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.
This feeling of unworthiness is attributed to shame. Shame is the fear that something we have done or failed to do, an ideal that we have not lived up to, or a goal that we have not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly, and persevere. Shame, however, keeps us small, resentful, and afraid. It is only when we are able to stop sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment that we can make a change for the better. Otherwise, we stay in places, relationships, or situations only because we are afraid of the uncomfortable.
And, that is exactly what I did. I am in Austin now and have my life back. I am no longer in this deep hole. Furthermore, I know myself better than I ever have. I have been through a lot of up and down emotions in this last year. However, I feel powerful. I feel confident. And, I feel free. I am not ashamed to say I was depressed, and if anything I embrace it. I embrace the fact I was able to dare greatly and make a change for myself because I am fearless and strong. Believe in yourself because if you do you will be unstoppable.
Luv, Liv